Fighting Sleep for My Life

A little girl submitted a question to me: How can you stay up late and still wake up early? Initially, I didn’t know how to respond. But, the answer is simple; it’s because I want to get up. The more I thought about this, I began to consider the child’s lifestyle. She sleeps A LOT; and when she is not sleeping, she seems to be lying around doing nothing. This phenomenon confuses me; as a child I wanted to get out of bed as soon as my eyes opened. Sleep was my bitter opponent because I fought him for my life. I LITERALLY FOUGHT SLEEP FOR MY LIFE. I didn’t want to stop living and I guess I still have a little of that fight left in me. I look forward to the opportunity to wake up, open my eyes, stand on my feet, and live in love every day of my life.

Israel Houghton says in one of his songs, “morning isn’t necessarily what has an ‘a.m.’ on it, morning happens when you wake up.” One definition of wake up is to return to an awareness of one's environment, existence, sensations, and thoughts. God created a beautiful world full of places to go, people to see, and things to do. Waking up brings me to an attitude of eagerness to open my eyes.

Opening one’s eyes represents an opportunity to process the environment Once I open my eyes I become enthusiastic about the opportunity to involve myself in God’s gift of life on this planet. Ephesians 5:8-14 says:

⁸For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹²For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, ¹⁴for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."

This verse gives a whole new meaning to rise and shine. Every day gives me a new chance to reflect God onto my friends, family, and lost souls. The mistakes of my past lay behind me as I move forward toward the purpose God created me for! This moves me to stand on my feet and take action to effect the environment at will, which should line up with His will that we love Him and others. I look forward to loving better than I did yesterday and I can’t do that until I stand on my feet.

While I sleep, life waits for me with a bevy of activities and experiences available; but if I never wake up, then I cannot partake. I never need a special reason to open my eyes, stand up, and prepare for the day because God wrote my purpose and life entices my senses. I know what I can do every day (go to the park, visit friends, help the needy, etc…) and as much I know God prepared and propels me to do exceedingly abundantly above anything I can ever ask or think.

Nas says that, he “never sleep[s]; cause sleep is the cousin of death” and Aerosmith sings, “I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing". While people need a certain amount of sleep each day for sustenance, extended rest, like too much of anything, kills you; in that slow death you miss everything that life has to offer. Sleep robs us of the opportunity to process, appreciate, and effect our environment. In other words, it eats away at our purpose and I plan to fight that villain for my life, until the end!

I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo...

Sometimes I think life cheated me…

I think in many ways, I’m still a child…waiting for a boy to walk me home. A teenager waiting for the cute young man to ask to "go with" me, walk me to class with my books in his arms, and wait for me afterwards. I missed the innocence of dating. The part where talking on the phone was all you did because you were 12 and there was no way mom was letting you go on a “date”. The part where you couldn’t spend the night at his house because curfew was 10pm on the dot. I didn’t have a dad to scrutinize the guy and determine that guy’s intentions for his little girl. I was cheated. And as silly as it sounds, I still want it.

I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo.

You know where the only goal was to hold his hand…and once you did, it was magic. I missed the part where the first kiss actually meant something. And I want it. I want the magic and I want it to mean something. But it’s too late for that fairytale.

I had to be the girl who was teased…the one who no boy wanted. And when men finally started to notice me I was already too messed up to enjoy and I’m only just realizing that now. It had to be a trick, a game, anything but pure adoration. And whether it was or not, I shouldn’t have assumed it wasn’t. But it’s too late for that.

All I have is this moment…and in this moment I can’t have an innocent love affair because I’m too old for that. The innocence is gone. I’m not a child or a teenager, I’m a woman. That doesn’t even sound like the truth or even something you want to be. A woman…I can’t have an innocent love affair because anyone who wants me has lost his innocence just like I have (and I’m not even talking about sex). Life lifted her veil and ruined the splendor. He’s been exposed just like I have been exposed

So I’m trying to figure out what else I want…or what to do. Maybe there’s a knight in shining armor out there on his way to set this princess free and lead us into that great happily ever after. In the meantime I’ll just keep cleaning up after my stepsisters, combing my hair, and sleeping in between. 

All I have is this moment and I’m going to try to make the most of it.