I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo...

Sometimes I think life cheated me…

I think in many ways, I’m still a child…waiting for a boy to walk me home. A teenager waiting for the cute young man to ask to "go with" me, walk me to class with my books in his arms, and wait for me afterwards. I missed the innocence of dating. The part where talking on the phone was all you did because you were 12 and there was no way mom was letting you go on a “date”. The part where you couldn’t spend the night at his house because curfew was 10pm on the dot. I didn’t have a dad to scrutinize the guy and determine that guy’s intentions for his little girl. I was cheated. And as silly as it sounds, I still want it.

I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo.

You know where the only goal was to hold his hand…and once you did, it was magic. I missed the part where the first kiss actually meant something. And I want it. I want the magic and I want it to mean something. But it’s too late for that fairytale.

I had to be the girl who was teased…the one who no boy wanted. And when men finally started to notice me I was already too messed up to enjoy and I’m only just realizing that now. It had to be a trick, a game, anything but pure adoration. And whether it was or not, I shouldn’t have assumed it wasn’t. But it’s too late for that.

All I have is this moment…and in this moment I can’t have an innocent love affair because I’m too old for that. The innocence is gone. I’m not a child or a teenager, I’m a woman. That doesn’t even sound like the truth or even something you want to be. A woman…I can’t have an innocent love affair because anyone who wants me has lost his innocence just like I have (and I’m not even talking about sex). Life lifted her veil and ruined the splendor. He’s been exposed just like I have been exposed

So I’m trying to figure out what else I want…or what to do. Maybe there’s a knight in shining armor out there on his way to set this princess free and lead us into that great happily ever after. In the meantime I’ll just keep cleaning up after my stepsisters, combing my hair, and sleeping in between. 

All I have is this moment and I’m going to try to make the most of it.

Looking for my Bowl of Candy

5 Years ago I left home with a plan to only stray away for 2 years; the University of Louisiana offered me an assistantship and I accepted the opportunity thinking that a Master’s degree would grant me more career options. But in striving for something more I think I misplaced a few pieces of myself. I was gaining experience and information but something was going wrong…something went wrong. In 5 years I gave up on a commitment, alienated myself, and lost sight of my aspirations. In the end, I came out with what I left for and now I know that I should have enlarged my vision…opened my hands wider. Right now I’m so sad because the thought of not having what I believe that God has for me is making me sick. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but where dreams come true, there is life and joy.” (Proverbs 13:12).I left to get a Master’s Degree so I could have more options and I got the Master’s Degree…and technically, I have more options…but my goal should have been larger. I should have wanted more. I put my entire life on hold for one thing. The world has so much to offer but I find myself focusing on the smallest detail…the least that I can receive…the one thing.

It makes me think of when I was little and I’d see a bowl of candy. I’d open my hand, grab all the candy that could fit, and stuff it into my pocket. Every time, a little of the candy I had grabbed would fall out of my hand back into the bowl…But I still ended up with more candy than I would have had, had my goal been to just have a piece of candy. 5 years ago I reached for a piece of candy, and that’s all I got. It’s pretty much how I attack life in general. I never open my hand as wide as I can; I just go for a piece. I’m not exactly sure why. I am always encouraging others to open their hands as wide as they can; a friend was offered a higher position at her job. She asked me if I thought that she should ask for more money and I told her that she should because when you settle for less than you deserve then you end up with less than you settled for. Why do I believe that so strongly for everyone else, but not for myself? I think I feel like I don’t have control over what I get. I could want a handful of candy, but in the back of my mind I think someone will steal it from me or tell me to put it back…or that I’ll simply drop it and make a mess. The world and everyone in it is against me and out to take everything away from me. Sounds dramatic, I know.

But now I want to stop. God’s word says that He“is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or dream, according to His power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20). That lets me know that I’m supposed to be a dreamer and I’m supposed to ask. I want to reach for more. So I guess the next step is to find my candy bowl! I’ll keep you posted.