5 Years ago I left home with a plan to only stray away for 2 years; the University of Louisiana offered me an assistantship and I accepted the opportunity thinking that a Master’s degree would grant me more career options. But in striving for something more I think I misplaced a few pieces of myself. I was gaining experience and information but something was going wrong…something went wrong. In 5 years I gave up on a commitment, alienated myself, and lost sight of my aspirations. In the end, I came out with what I left for and now I know that I should have enlarged my vision…opened my hands wider. Right now I’m so sad because the thought of not having what I believe that God has for me is making me sick. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but where dreams come true, there is life and joy.” (Proverbs 13:12).I left to get a Master’s Degree so I could have more options and I got the Master’s Degree…and technically, I have more options…but my goal should have been larger. I should have wanted more. I put my entire life on hold for one thing. The world has so much to offer but I find myself focusing on the smallest detail…the least that I can receive…the one thing.
It makes me think of when I was little and I’d see a bowl of candy. I’d open my hand, grab all the candy that could fit, and stuff it into my pocket. Every time, a little of the candy I had grabbed would fall out of my hand back into the bowl…But I still ended up with more candy than I would have had, had my goal been to just have a piece of candy. 5 years ago I reached for a piece of candy, and that’s all I got. It’s pretty much how I attack life in general. I never open my hand as wide as I can; I just go for a piece. I’m not exactly sure why. I am always encouraging others to open their hands as wide as they can; a friend was offered a higher position at her job. She asked me if I thought that she should ask for more money and I told her that she should because when you settle for less than you deserve then you end up with less than you settled for. Why do I believe that so strongly for everyone else, but not for myself? I think I feel like I don’t have control over what I get. I could want a handful of candy, but in the back of my mind I think someone will steal it from me or tell me to put it back…or that I’ll simply drop it and make a mess. The world and everyone in it is against me and out to take everything away from me. Sounds dramatic, I know.
But now I want to stop. God’s word says that He“is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or dream, according to His power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20). That lets me know that I’m supposed to be a dreamer and I’m supposed to ask. I want to reach for more. So I guess the next step is to find my candy bowl! I’ll keep you posted.
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