I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo...

Sometimes I think life cheated me…

I think in many ways, I’m still a child…waiting for a boy to walk me home. A teenager waiting for the cute young man to ask to "go with" me, walk me to class with my books in his arms, and wait for me afterwards. I missed the innocence of dating. The part where talking on the phone was all you did because you were 12 and there was no way mom was letting you go on a “date”. The part where you couldn’t spend the night at his house because curfew was 10pm on the dot. I didn’t have a dad to scrutinize the guy and determine that guy’s intentions for his little girl. I was cheated. And as silly as it sounds, I still want it.

I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo.

You know where the only goal was to hold his hand…and once you did, it was magic. I missed the part where the first kiss actually meant something. And I want it. I want the magic and I want it to mean something. But it’s too late for that fairytale.

I had to be the girl who was teased…the one who no boy wanted. And when men finally started to notice me I was already too messed up to enjoy and I’m only just realizing that now. It had to be a trick, a game, anything but pure adoration. And whether it was or not, I shouldn’t have assumed it wasn’t. But it’s too late for that.

All I have is this moment…and in this moment I can’t have an innocent love affair because I’m too old for that. The innocence is gone. I’m not a child or a teenager, I’m a woman. That doesn’t even sound like the truth or even something you want to be. A woman…I can’t have an innocent love affair because anyone who wants me has lost his innocence just like I have (and I’m not even talking about sex). Life lifted her veil and ruined the splendor. He’s been exposed just like I have been exposed

So I’m trying to figure out what else I want…or what to do. Maybe there’s a knight in shining armor out there on his way to set this princess free and lead us into that great happily ever after. In the meantime I’ll just keep cleaning up after my stepsisters, combing my hair, and sleeping in between. 

All I have is this moment and I’m going to try to make the most of it.