I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo...

Sometimes I think life cheated me…

I think in many ways, I’m still a child…waiting for a boy to walk me home. A teenager waiting for the cute young man to ask to "go with" me, walk me to class with my books in his arms, and wait for me afterwards. I missed the innocence of dating. The part where talking on the phone was all you did because you were 12 and there was no way mom was letting you go on a “date”. The part where you couldn’t spend the night at his house because curfew was 10pm on the dot. I didn’t have a dad to scrutinize the guy and determine that guy’s intentions for his little girl. I was cheated. And as silly as it sounds, I still want it.

I want an innocent love affair minus all the innuendo.

You know where the only goal was to hold his hand…and once you did, it was magic. I missed the part where the first kiss actually meant something. And I want it. I want the magic and I want it to mean something. But it’s too late for that fairytale.

I had to be the girl who was teased…the one who no boy wanted. And when men finally started to notice me I was already too messed up to enjoy and I’m only just realizing that now. It had to be a trick, a game, anything but pure adoration. And whether it was or not, I shouldn’t have assumed it wasn’t. But it’s too late for that.

All I have is this moment…and in this moment I can’t have an innocent love affair because I’m too old for that. The innocence is gone. I’m not a child or a teenager, I’m a woman. That doesn’t even sound like the truth or even something you want to be. A woman…I can’t have an innocent love affair because anyone who wants me has lost his innocence just like I have (and I’m not even talking about sex). Life lifted her veil and ruined the splendor. He’s been exposed just like I have been exposed

So I’m trying to figure out what else I want…or what to do. Maybe there’s a knight in shining armor out there on his way to set this princess free and lead us into that great happily ever after. In the meantime I’ll just keep cleaning up after my stepsisters, combing my hair, and sleeping in between. 

All I have is this moment and I’m going to try to make the most of it.

Looking for my Bowl of Candy

5 Years ago I left home with a plan to only stray away for 2 years; the University of Louisiana offered me an assistantship and I accepted the opportunity thinking that a Master’s degree would grant me more career options. But in striving for something more I think I misplaced a few pieces of myself. I was gaining experience and information but something was going wrong…something went wrong. In 5 years I gave up on a commitment, alienated myself, and lost sight of my aspirations. In the end, I came out with what I left for and now I know that I should have enlarged my vision…opened my hands wider. Right now I’m so sad because the thought of not having what I believe that God has for me is making me sick. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but where dreams come true, there is life and joy.” (Proverbs 13:12).I left to get a Master’s Degree so I could have more options and I got the Master’s Degree…and technically, I have more options…but my goal should have been larger. I should have wanted more. I put my entire life on hold for one thing. The world has so much to offer but I find myself focusing on the smallest detail…the least that I can receive…the one thing.

It makes me think of when I was little and I’d see a bowl of candy. I’d open my hand, grab all the candy that could fit, and stuff it into my pocket. Every time, a little of the candy I had grabbed would fall out of my hand back into the bowl…But I still ended up with more candy than I would have had, had my goal been to just have a piece of candy. 5 years ago I reached for a piece of candy, and that’s all I got. It’s pretty much how I attack life in general. I never open my hand as wide as I can; I just go for a piece. I’m not exactly sure why. I am always encouraging others to open their hands as wide as they can; a friend was offered a higher position at her job. She asked me if I thought that she should ask for more money and I told her that she should because when you settle for less than you deserve then you end up with less than you settled for. Why do I believe that so strongly for everyone else, but not for myself? I think I feel like I don’t have control over what I get. I could want a handful of candy, but in the back of my mind I think someone will steal it from me or tell me to put it back…or that I’ll simply drop it and make a mess. The world and everyone in it is against me and out to take everything away from me. Sounds dramatic, I know.

But now I want to stop. God’s word says that He“is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or dream, according to His power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20). That lets me know that I’m supposed to be a dreamer and I’m supposed to ask. I want to reach for more. So I guess the next step is to find my candy bowl! I’ll keep you posted.

We all deserve unconditional l♥ve

This week I chose to study the book of Ruth and I got something from it today, in the first chapter, that I never got before a

• ^11-13"Go back, my dear daughters. Why would you come with me? Do you suppose I still have sons in my womb who can become your future husbands? Go back, dear daughters—on your way, please! I'm too old to get a husband. Why, even if I said, 'There's still hope!' and this very night got a man and had sons, can you imagine being satisfied to wait until they were grown? Would you wait that long to get married again? No, dear daughters; this is a bitter pill for me to swallow—more bitter for me than for you. God has dealt me a hard blow."

Just to give you a little background. A famine hit Naomi's hood so the hubby decided to move.
Naomi gave birth to 2 kids then her husband died. Her kids married a couple of women (Ruth and Orpah) then

her sons died! So Naomi heard that it was cool to return home so she packed up and

high-tailed it outta there, taking her daughters-in-law with her.

So huge yet simple lesson I got to day was that unconditional l♥ve applies to me too!

Naomi lists all these things she can't provide for the girls and how hopeless and forbearing living with her would be; because of that she wants them to go back home. She put conditions on her relationship with with them. She basically said, I have nothing to ♥ffer you, why would you want to waste your time with me. Naomi gave the impression that she didn't deserve to be l♥ved unconditionally (probably because of how her life had gone so far).... Those girls didn't ask Naomi for anything, they just wanted to share life with her.

I commit the same blunder. Not to long ago, a friend asked , "Why don't you hang out more often? You're always welcomed." And I basically told him that I didn't have anything to ♥ffer. Which is honestly how I feel. Specifically, I said, "I just go over and sit there." But truthfully, that should be enough.

So why do I feel like I need to "have something to ♥ffer"

to be important to a person or situation?

Probably because I should have something to ♥ffer, but a lot of times I overlook the important thing God calls for me to ♥ffer everyone I encounter. L♥ve. L♥ve is the only thing I need to have to ♥ffer.

• 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't l♥ve, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't l♥ve, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't l♥ve, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without l♥ve.

Someone should have told Naomi, “Girl if you birth the most handsome, talented, sons ever to be known without l♥ve, you will be nothing because . Naomi, you believe in God and you abide in God. ‘God is l♥ve, and the person who abides in l♥ve abides in God, and God in that person (1 John 4:16). L♥ve is in you, Naomi, and that’s all you need to have to ♥ffer.

I want to step out on a limb and say, just as I can’t don anything to deserve God’s l♥ve and His l♥ve is given to me anyway, I can’t do anything to deserver anyone elses’ l♥ve, it should be given to me anyway. Enough people in the world will tell me that what I have to ♥ffer is not good enough and that’s one bandwagon I don’t need to jump on, simply because it’s not the truth! I deserve unconditional l♥ve, and you do too!

♥♥♥We all deserve unconditional l♥ve ♥♥♥

This week I chose to study the book of Ruth and I got something from it today, in the first chapter, that I never got before a

• ^11-13"Go back, my dear daughters. Why would you come with me? Do you suppose I still have sons in my womb who can become your future husbands? Go back, dear daughters—on your way, please! I'm too old to get a husband. Why, even if I said, 'There's still hope!' and this very night got a man and had sons, can you imagine being satisfied to wait until they were grown? Would you wait that long to get married again? No, dear daughters; this is a bitter pill for me to swallow—more bitter for me than for you. God has dealt me a hard blow."

Just to give you a little background. A famine hit Naomi's hood so the hubby decided to move.
Naomi gave birth to 2 kids then her husband died. Her kids married a couple of women (Ruth and Orpah) then

her sons died! So Naomi heard that it was cool to return home so she packed up and

high-tailed it outta there, taking her daughters-in-law with her.
So huge yet simple lesson I got to day was that unconditional l♥ve applies to me too!

Naomi lists all these things she can't provide for the girls and how hopeless and forbearing living with her would be; because of that she wants them to go back home. She put conditions on her relationship with with them. She basically said, I have nothing to ♥ffer you, why would you want to waste your time with me. Naomi gave the impression that she didn't deserve to be l♥ved unconditionally (probably because of how her life had gone so far).... Those girls didn't ask Naomi for anything, they just wanted to share life with her.

I commit the same blunder. Not to long ago, a friend asked , "Why don't you hang out more often? You're always welcomed." And I basically told him that I didn't have anything to ♥ffer. Which is honestly how I feel. Specifically, I said, "I just go over and sit there." But truthfully, that should be enough.

So why do I feel like I need to "have something to ♥ffer"

to be important to a person or situation?

Probably because I should have something to ♥ffer, but a lot of times I overlook the important thing God calls for me to ♥ffer everyone I encounter. L♥ve. L♥ve is the only thing I need to have to ♥ffer.

· 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't l♥ve, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't l♥ve, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't l♥ve, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without l♥ve.

Someone should have told Naomi, “Girl if you birth the most handsome, talented, sons ever to be known without l♥ve, you will be nothing because . Naomi, you believe in God and you abide in God. ‘God is l♥ve, and the person who abides in l♥ve abides in God, and God in that person (1 John 4:16). L♥ve is in you, Naomi, and that’s all you need to have to ♥ffer.

I want to step out on a limb and say, just as I can’t don anything to deserve God’s l♥ve and His l♥ve is given to me anyway, I can’t do anything to deserver anyone elses’ l♥ve, it should be given to me anyway. Enough people in the world will tell me that what I have to ♥ffer is not good enough and that’s one bandwagon I don’t need to jump on, simply because it’s not the truth! I deserve unconditional l♥ve, and you do too!

.

Economic C®I$I$

It upsets me how oblivious people continue to behave in the face of this “economic crisis”.

HOW IT HAPPENS

Billy Brower acquires a job that pays $96,000 a year. In all his excitement he decides to move out of his apartment; so he applies for a loan for $300,000 to pay for a $250,000 home based on the hope of receiving $96,000 by the same time next year. In the meantime Billy still owes $15,000 on his Sports Utility vehicle, and his wife still owes $8,000 on her sports car. In addition to these “financial responsibilities” Mrs. and Mr. Brower also have 2 children under the age of 5. I would keep going, but you get the picture. In addition to borrowing on time Billy bought lunch everyday of the week that he went to work instead of purchasing food at a grocery store and packing a lunch. Billy chose convenience.

Society fools people into believing they need symbols of their wealth but as the quote says, a rose by any other name is still rose! You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone! In a quest to prove ourselves, the unfortunate truth is we have become a nation of borrowers. Even the richest celebrity when signing a million dollar contract chooses to buy a home which exceeds the actual amount of money he/she actually holds in his/her possession. Then we read about bankruptcy and financial ruin. Why not choose to buy a house for cash? ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE IT!!!!!!

PERFECT EXAMPLE

Warren Buffet remains one of the world's most successful investors Forbes ranked him as the richest person in the world during the first half of 2008, with an estimated billion. He lives in the same house in the central Dundee neighborhood of Omaha that he bought in 1958 for $31,500, today valued at around $700,000.

Every time someone complains that he or she does not have enough money for something he or she wants I’m reminded of an episode of the Cosby show when Bill told his kids if they had saved a dollar a day of their allowance 4 of them could have bought a house in that very same neighborhood. If I had saved a dollar a day from the time I first remember receiving money, I would have around $10,000. If you are in “economic crisis” don’t blame anyone but yourself. When you “bought” that house, you did not have the money for it! You chose to buy a candy bar or hamburger instead of saving for something more important or adding a little extra to your monthly payments. Technically everyone doesn’t need a car! When I am out and about it upsets me a little to observe traffic and look at ALL THE EMPTY PASSENGER SEATS. If more people walked, car pooled, and used public transportation, they would cancel a significant financial burden. If EVERYONE packed a lunch think about the gas they would save in driving to and fro in search of a meal. Stop asking for financial bailouts, accept the consequences of your actions, learn from it, and move on!

Matthew 6:25-29

Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds."Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

Social Networking

SO-CIAL NET-WORK
[soh-shuhl] [net-wurk]
service focuses on building online communities of people who share interests and/or activities, or who are interested in exploring the interests and activities of others. Most social network services are web based and provide a variety of ways for users to interact, such as e-mail and instant messaging services. Social networking has encouraged new ways to communicate and share information. Social networking websites are being used regularly by millions of people, and it now seems that social networking will be an enduring part of everyday life.

I HATE THESE AND I L♥VE THEM.

I love them because it is all I wanted all along: to be included, informed, etc…And with these sites I get incessant updates about their lives which include pictures and stories. I get to eavesdrop on conversations with a clear conscious. We disclose joys & sorrows while sharing milestones & triumphs. It’s everything I always wanted.

I hate them because I have always reached out and tried to maintain contact with my friends and family wanting to be involved in their lives with little to no success. I find myself begging to spend time with my “l♥ved ♥nes”, calling repeatedly to no avail, and finally losing track (and maybe interest) for years only to log on one day and see a friend request from these people: the people who ignored me and went on living their lives without me. Why do they now want to be my friend? I guess they really don’t want to be my friend. It makes me think that people join these networks, not to “network socially” but to create a memorial to their lives. Who knows? It’s just a thought.

I joined at the coercion of my friend Caryn who has been reduced to a “Facebook” friend. She rarely returns my e-mails or text messages, but every day I can log on, view her profile, and for a moment feel like I’m a part of her life.

Till Death Do We Part?

I find it difficult to peruse my circle of associates (friends and family) and find many successful marriages. A close friend claims that his disillusioned marriage and divorce remains the only solution to resolve this travesty! His decision upset me because I see this as a cop out. But while I pondered his decision I thought to myself, maybe “til death do we part” has nothing to do with staying married. Marriage, the act, is an outward expression of an inward feeling (similar to baptism). So til death do you part, means til death do you part even if the law says that you have terminated your legal duties and responsibility to that person.

I believe when people divorce each other, they turn their covenant relationship into bondage. Religious circles term this idea, a soul tie. A soul tie is the knitting together of two souls that can either bring wonderful blessings or dreadful destruction.

Wonderful blessings: promote or contribute to happiness promote a condition, circum stance well-being, or prosperity.

Dreadful destruction: promote or contribute to sadness, discomfort, or deprivation

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, but if there's no one to help, tough!

Divorce hits your pockets. One must contend with filling fees, attorney fees, lost property, and etc…Now instead of sharing finances the money the two of you earn will be split between two households. Rent/mortgage for one will usually be cheaper than rent/mortgages for two. Divorce changes personal relationships. Aside from the obvious change in your relationship with your spouse and members of your spouse’s family, divorce often means changes in your relationships with other people as well. Some of the people you have considered friends for years may now view you as wrong because oftentimes friends feel the urge to “choose a side”. Every time you meet someone new it will come up that you are divorced and that new person will wonder what happened. To some a divorce adds a vice to your column. Divorce hurts children. The child in many cases cannot live a stable life because he/she moves between parents oftentimes hearing the insensitive inconsistent remarks made about either parent from family and friends.

After I came to this conclusion, I read the marriage vow.

I, take you, (name), to be my [husband/wife], my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

This generic promise describes the unconditional love we should all have for each other especially our friends. The only difference is that we don’t have ceremonies substantiating our friendships and associations. Whether we talk to each other for the remainder of our natural lives or not, we remain eternally bound to one another. Every person, friend or foe, we have come into contact with shaped us into the person we are today. They are in our lives in the form of our reactions and predispositions. Some people deem this as “baggage”. We are forever bound due to an unspoken vow to be with each other, until death do we part.